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A Love Letter to Singles on Valentine’s Day

Dear Single friend,

If no one has told you this today, you need to hear it: You are loved.

On Valentine’s Day and every day, you are loved.

Love is not attached to your relationship status, how many roses you receive, or your ability to collect rings as fast as everyone else. Maybe today it’s harder to believe that, as romantic love is all around you, but not beside you. The ache cuts deep.

If you are struggling today, here are three encouragements for you.

You are loved.

Let’s start with the basics: You are loved—and loved abundantly—because there is a God who loves you abundantly.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

John 3:16

If you’ve never heard this before, pause right here and start reading the book of John on your phone or in the nearest Bible you can find. You are about to have the best Valentine’s Day of your life.

If you’ve heard this before, consider it for a moment. Remind yourself of this vital truth: God so loved the world, which includes you. This can also be the best Valentine’s Day of your life.

You are not just loved a little bit. You are loved a lot. You did nothing to earn this love (Romans 5:6) and you were never in competition for it against anyone else. Furthermore, if you have a relationship with Christ, God’s love has been poured out into your heart through the Holy Spirit (Romans 5:5).

In other words, if you are a child of God, your Father has lavished great love on you (1 John 3:1)!

As you pass through Valentine’s Day or any day, remind yourself that single or dating or engaged or married or separated or widowed, you are primarily defined by the love God has poured out and lavished on you.

The deeper you comprehend this, the less you will be tempted to feel bitterness in the absence of romantic love or seek romantic love outside of God’s gifts to you. And, if one day you do enter into a romantic relationship, you will be well-equipped to love like Christ, without selfishness and without fear (1 John 4:18–19).

You are so loved by God.

Your desires matter.

There are times when being told that you are loved by God doesn’t feel deep enough or specific enough to your situation. Sometimes you may long to hear that God cares about what you want for your life.

Before getting married, I was often told by people in the church that God would send me a spouse someday. That was my least favorite piece of encouragement, because, while their prediction ended up being accurate, it wasn’t certain or helpful at the time.

God is a great promise keeper, even amidst promises that are not easy to keep. But He never promises us romantic love. He never promises us a husband or wife.

The closest promise you might be able to find is that God “will give you the desires of your heart.” But don’t miss the first part of the verse or neglect to understand its full context.

Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4

This verse could be understood as an “If, then” statement. The desires of your heart will not be met automatically. If you take delight in the Lord, then He will give you these desires.

This is Good News! If we must first delight in the Lord to get what our hearts desire, then our hearts and minds have an opportunity to first be conformed to the heart and mind of God. God knows our frame (Psalm 103:13–14) and in His compassion, patience, goodness, grace, and mercy, He is giving us all we need to make our desires look like His.

This is no cheap trick of a promise, but rather a promise that saves us from idolatry, selfishness, and even simple misjudgments. Our hearts, tainted by sin, are not innately aligned with what God knows is right (Jeremiah 17:9) and our thoughts do not contain the whole picture (Isaiah 55:8–9). While the desire to be married is likely a good thing (Proverbs 18:22), it is not always the right thing for everyone all the time.

As you delight in Him on this Valentine’s Day, know that God gives good gifts to those who ask (Matthew 7:11) and has already given you everything you need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). If you don’t have a spouse today, you don’t need a spouse today.

God knows what you need, when you need it and your dreams and desires matter to Him.

You have a purpose.

The most painful part of longing to be married is often the “why” of it all. At times our failed (in our eyes) romantic endeavors can make us feel purposeless or incomplete.

One of the most gut-wrenching “love lives” of the Bible is that of the servant woman Hagar. First, she was forced to come between a marriage and have a child with a man who did not love her. Then, she was despised and mistreated to the point of running away from home.

God met her in her moment of distress. He did not promise her romantic love or escape. Instead, he sent her back into her situation and told her to submit to the woman who had mistreated her.

This feels a lot like the advice the church gives singles today: go back home and live your life. Submit to God’s will, even when it hurts. But Hagar left with something more that day, which may encourage you.

During this interaction, God gave Hagar important insight into her purpose. He told her that he was going to use her pregnancy, this symbol of her lack of romantic love, to increase her descendants so much that they would “be too numerous to count” (Genesis 16:10, Genesis 25:12–18, 1 Chronicles 1:29). Hagar’s situation, though unfortunate, would matter in the larger scope of human history.

“You are the God who sees me,” Hagar responded (Genesis 16:13). And she obeyed and returned home, renewed with the confidence that God had a purpose for her life.

Even if not one person notices you this Valentine’s Day, God sees you and has a purpose for you. You are a masterpiece, fashioned by Him, and He has good things for you to do (Ephesians 2:10). This is true no matter your relationship status.

Like all followers of Christ, you are commissioned to do even greater things than Jesus did and to carry on the ministry He began (John 14:12, Matthew 28:19–20).

On Valentine’s Day, do not entertain self-pity or purposelessness. Instead, seek out how you may love those around you. After all, as disciples of Christ, we are most affective in sharing the Gospel when we love.

By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.

John 13:35

As an unmarried person, you have something married people do not have: undivided devotion to the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:32–35). You do not experience some of the troubles you would experience as a married person (1 Corinthians 7:28) and are free from the concerns that come with pleasing a spouse.

Just as we are not promised tomorrow, you are not promised to be single tomorrow or next Valentine’s Day. Whether this is good news to you or not, the application remains the same: use this good gift of undivided devotion to the Lord today.

Here is a specific example that may encourage you: One Valentine’s Day when I was in high school—and very single—the Lord put it on my heart to encourage my friends and acquaintances by writing short, non-romantic, yet heartfelt letters for each of them on heart-shaped paper. It wasn’t until years later that some friends reminded me of this and I began to consider it as an example of something I may have never done if I had been busy writing a love letter to a romantic interest.

Perhaps the Lord has given you the gift of singleness today so that you can be a gift to someone else. There may be something you can do, undistracted by roses and candlelight, that no one else can.

My encouragement to you, my dear friend on Valentine’s Day is to know you are loved well by the Father. Remember that God has given you good gifts in this season and sees you. And now, go share that love in a way that only you can.


Next Steps

  1. Decide to keep your heart clean from bitterness this Valentine’s Day. Instead, take some time to reflect on God’s love for you, the good gifts He has given you, and the way He sees your needs.
  2. Share your heart (and this post) with a friend who will hold you accountable. Pray with each other!
  3. Find a creative way to share love with someone else. Is there something you can do today that you would not be able to do as easily if you were married? Perhaps you know of a widow in need of comfort today or have a colleague who could use a note of encouragement. Give generously and joyfully, knowing that God is using your undivided devotion to Him for His purposes.

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